the_lioness | (no subject)

The knock causes him to wake from a semi-doze; he goes from half-asleep to fully awake in less time than it takes most people to blink. He rises from the bed, and answers the door. There's really only two people he figures would actively search him out in his room. They happen to be related, and both have red hair.

"Evening las-" he stops short when he sees the look on her face. "Alanna, what's wrong?"

*A series of odd expressions flash across her face; Alanna appears to be rather confused. She starts to enter the room, takes one look at the bed and freezes.*

George. *She croaks out his name.* Can we go for a walk? Outside?

It would take a far less perceptive man than George Cooper to realize that something is seriously wrong here.

"Of course we can..." he tells her, searching her face for some sign of what's going on. "Is that what you want?"

*She nods, not trusting herself to speak. With a quick gesture for him to follow, she walks quickly toward the back door. Focusing on taking several deep breaths, she absently pulls on the sweater the bar had given her that first night in Milliways. It's garishly colored and striped; it reminds her of something Thom might like. For some reason, that makes her feel better. She waits for George by the back door, curiously avoiding his eyes.*

There's a tree out back. It helps me think sometimes.

He debates taking his traveling cloak, unsure if he'll need it or not. Better to have it, he decides, grabbing the cloak. He shuts the door to his room behind him, and follows Alanna.

There is a sinking feeling growing inside him.

Whatever she has to tell him, he's not going to like.

*She leads the way to the tree, kicking at patches of snow like a little girl. Once there, she glances out over the lake, silently praying to the Goddess for strength.

Alanna suspects the Goddess would tell her to stop whining and find her own strength within.

Biting her lip, Alanna turns around and looks imploringly at George. She had spent days contemplating how to tell him, but all of her perfectly crafted explanations choose this moment to flee her mind, leaving her with nothing more than an odd mixture of happiness, grief, confusion and overwhelming guilt.*

George, you're my best friend. *Her lower lip trembles.* After tonight, you may not be, so I have to tell you this now. You saved me, George. Without you, I wouldn't be the person I am today. You're my best friend, but you're also the very best person I know. I would die for you without a moment's hesitation. I hope you know that. I hope you know how much I love you.

*She runs a shaky hand through her hair.*

George... Peter asked me to marry him. *She drags her eyes up to meet his. Nothing less than complete honesty would do for George. Her voice cracks.* I said yes.

The words strike him like a physical blow. Suddenly, he finds it very hard to breathe.

"I..." he tries to speak, fails. His thoughts are chasing themselves around in his head. It's complete chaos. "I.."

He thought he lost her to Jon, he thought he lost her to the Shang Dragon. Now, he's startlingly aware how wrong he was. They shared her life, shared her bed and while yes, she may have loved them, he'd never truly lost her.

He's suddenly aware that this is very, very different. This time, he's lost her forever.

He closes his hands into fists, so tightly that his fingernails are biting into his own flesh. Oddly, he doesn't feel it. At the moment, he doesn't feel anything at all.

*Alanna threw up after her first fist fight with Ralon. She threw up after a day spent healing the wounded during the Tusaine War. Neither of those instances made her as physically ill as she feels right now. Knees shaking, she slides her back down the trunk of the tree and wraps her arms around her legs. The tears escape, and she makes no move to wipe them away. Blurred vision makes it harder to see the condemnation she's sure is written all over his face.*

George... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much more than this, than me.

Her tears are enough to snap him out of his stupor.

He spreads the edge of his cloak beneath him and sits down beside her, knowing his own tears aren't far off. Hopefully, he can keep them at bay for long enough.

He wants to touch her, comfort her. Yes, even as she is breaking his heart, his first instinct is to do whatever he can to take her pain away. Unfortunately, this time he IS the cause of her pain, even if it's not his fault. The thought is almost funny, really.. Proof that the gods have a sense of humour.

He wants to put an arm around her shoulder, and for the first time in all the years they've been friends feels as though he shouldn't. The feeling frightens him.

"Alanna," with effort, he manages to get the words out, "..talk to me please. Don't shut me out."

There is a naked pleading in his voice. Normally he'd be ashamed of it, letting go of all the layers of masks he usually wears, masks he has to wear- this baring of self. But not with her. NEVER with her.

*The tears fall steadily now, and Alanna swipes at her eyes with the back of her hand. She knows George and knows what he's thinking. Shaking her head, she tries to catch her breath.*

No, George. No. I could never shut you out. You should be shutting me out. You should get up right now and walk away and never look back. Goddess, I hate hurting you. If I could take the pain upon myself, I would.

*If this were any other point in time, she would launch herself at him for one of is bear hugs, cling and trust that everything would work out. But she can't now. It wouldn't be fair to him, and it would hurt too damn much besides. She can't hug him.

That scares her just as much as it scares him.

A whimper escapes, and she stares blankly at the lake.*

I don't know how I can claim to be your friend when all I ever do is hurt you. *She winces.* And all I ever want to do is anything BUT hurt you. How did I mess things up so badly?

He bites his lip, feeling tears stinging in the corners of his eyes. He fights them.

He notices her hesitation, and it makes the decision for him. He carefully reaches out an arm, and wraps it around her shoulder. He prays she won't push him away, although a large part of him fears that's exactly what she'll do. That would be the one thing that could hurt even more than what is already happening.

He stares out across the lake, keeping his gaze fixed off somewhere in the distance. A tiny voice in the back of his mind points out he's never been outside the bar before. After this, he may never want to again.

"I could never willingly shut you out. I'd sooner cut off one of my hands." Every word is a struggle. He's not sure he can ever remember a time when he's been at such a loss for words.

"You didn't make a mess of things. We cannot control who we love Alanna. I want nothing more than for you to be happy." he chokes out. He takes a deep breath, realizing as his throat closes that this was a mistake, suddenly the tears are there, and nothing he can do will stop them from coming.

Tears are leaking from his eyes.

The last bit of the sentence comes out in a rush. "I always just hoped that you could be happy with me ..."

*Alanna crumples, her head falling to his shoulder and her own arms reaching up around his neck. She sobs unabashedly now in a way she has never been able to do with anyone else. Her words tumble out, running together amid the sniffling in a hard to understand fashion.*

George, could be. I could. You're wonderful, you know that. I don't know what happened, how I ended up here. The Goddess, she made it sound like it was another test, that I had something I had to do here. And Peter? Completely unexpected. I thought... *She swallows... hard. I thought I was in love with you* I don't know what I thought, but one day he just snuck up on me, and now I can't imagine not having him in my life. He was in my heart before I knew it. He saw me, and he's so much more than people give him credit for. We're quite possibly insane, I realize this, but I love him. Maybe if I'd never come here... Maybe if we had stayed together after Port Caynn, or if we had spoken to each other alone after the battle...

*She bites her lip, fresh tears running down her cheeks. This is not helping, you idiot. Glancing up, she catches sight of his tears and moans.* Goddess, George. It's all my fault. If I'd just been stronger... *She pulls her sleeve over her fingers and wipes at his tears.*

'Maybe if we had stayed together after Port Caynn...'

Her words echo in his head.

Port Caynn. He's given it a great deal of thought, in the time since the coronation. If he'd stayed with her, he would have lost his throne as the Rogue, and more of his friends might have died. No, would have died. Claw would have killed everyone loyal to him. If, if if.. Realistically, he knows he did what he had to do. Still, that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Suddenly he remembers to clearly what he said, 'That's everything then, isn't it? I won't turn my back on the Rogue and you can't leave off your adventurin'. He'd hoped he'd been mistaken. That they would be able to work it out.

A physical touch drags him out of past regrets and back to the present - she's wiping away his tears with one of her sleeves. Odd, he's usually the one drying her tears. Habit causes him to pull out a handkerchief, and hand it to her. He notices as he does so, that his hand is shaking.

"...If I were a better man, I'd just do the noble thing. I'd ignore my feelings entirely, and simply have congratulated you on your good news.. and wished you a lifetime of happiness." with some difficulty, he manages to get all the words out. "But, I'm a selfish man Alanna, and I'm sorry for it."

The tears are threatening again.

"What do we do now?" he asks, biting his lip. "I'll leave, if that's what you want Alanna.."

*She realizes how unfair the words are as soon as they are out of her mouth. George hadn't had a choice at the time. Neither had she. If he hadn't left, people would have died. If she hadn't left, she wouldn't have found the Dominion Jewel, and Tortall would have been lost.

She takes the handkerchief, grasping his shaking hand in her own.*

You are the least selfish man I know. *She smiles sadly.* George, it's not a matter of what I want. I don't know what we do now. I don't want to lose my best friend. *She whimpers and looks him in the eye.* Why did everything have to change?

"I am a selfish man, Alanna. I came here seeking you, when you'd given me no real indication that you wanted me to follow you. I had no notion of how you'd react when I showed up here." He sighs, fighting to keep eye contact instead of giving in to the urge to look away. Looking away would be so much easier. "I was a fool not to realize that the reason you didn't keep in close contact was with me, was that you'd found someone else."

He runs his free hand through his hair, then continues. "When you first told me about him, I made the decision to stay regardless. I stayed for two reasons; one was because you asked me, but really Lass, because I'd sorely missed you wanted to see you, and hoped.." he takes a breath. ".. I could change your mind."

He squeezes her hand tightly.

"I don't think it's possible for me to stop being your friend Alanna," that much he can tell her with absolute sincerity. "I don't think my life would have much meanin' without you in it, lover or no."

I know, George. I know why you stayed, and I'm so, so sorry. I didn't contact you because I was afraid. I was scared I would lose you, and I still am. I don't have any right to feel that way. *His final statement reduces her to tears yet again, and she buries her head against his shoulder with a muffled sob.* Thank the Goddess. I'd be lost without you. So lost...

He turns a bit, so he can wrap both arms around her, wondering idly as he does so, if this will be the last time he'll get to do so. He closes his eyes, and takes in the scent of her hair, the feel of having her pressed against him.

He stays like that for what might be only minutes, or possibly entire lifetimes. His mind is racing. He knows he shouldn't do what he's about to do, but feelings override reason at this point. Mind made up, he opens his eyes.

He tilts her head up, and gently kisses her. Her lips are warm, and taste slightly salty - the mixing of both their tears.

*Sniffling, she wraps both arms around his neck and frantically tries to envision a way for their friendship to work again. She's still lost in thought when he tilts her head up. Her trust in him is so complete that she barely recognizes his intent before he kisses her. She makes a strangled sound and freezes, not wanting to hurt him by jerking away, but not comfortable in his embrace. She trembles, preparing to pull away when she's swamped with memories. Suddenly she's fifteen again, her arms full of gifts for Jonathan.

There.

Did George just KISS me?

Think over what I said about love.

Mithros, she had been mad... and curious. Pigs might fly! I should have stabbed you...

No, I won't let you stab me and ruin our friendship. Will you be afraid to face me after this?

I'm afraid of no one, George Cooper. Especially not you!

Oh, how wrong she had been. Shaking, Alanna kisses him firmly, the tears already falling again. Goodbye. She jumps up and backs away slowly, looking for all the world like a startled doe that's about to flee for the safety of the forest.*

"I'm sorry." he whispers, but he's not apologizing for the kiss. Not really. He rises to his feet also, but takes a step away from her.

"I ought not to have done that." Suddenly he feels very old, and very tired. "Will you be afraid to face me after this?" the words are familiar, he's asked them before. He wonders if he'll be afraid to face her after this.

The other question he's thinking doesn't get voiced.

"I think it's best I go back to Tortall.."

*She wraps her arms around her sides.*

N-never, George. Never.

*A wave of panic washes over her. She takes a step forward and extends her arm.* NO! Please don't go, George. Not because of me. Please? Unless... unless you can't abide my company any longer. I could certainly understand that. *She glances at the ground.* I could go.

Relief floods him; she doesn't hate him.

"Forgive me Alanna, I didn't mean forever.." he rushes to explain, ".. just for a while. I need some time to to be alone, to think."

Time to mourn the loss and then to attempt to put the broken pieces of himself back together. Time to heal.

He tries to smile, and is only partially successful. "Then p'rhaps I can be a better help to you when I return.."

*She takes a deep breath and nods, starting to get control of herself.*

Alright, George. I understand. Makes perfect sense. *She shakes her head.* It is I who should be a better help to you, not the other way around. *Biting her lip, she looks at him with expressive eyes.* I shall miss you.

"Give me a few days Lass.. and I'll be back here by your side, I promise you that."

He takes a step toward her, and gives her a quick hug, then immediately lets go again.

The tears have stopped, for now.

"I'm going to go back inside, pack my things.. I'll be leaving first thing tomorrow morning."

*Alanna nods, not trusting herself to speak. She smiles sadly, gesturing toward the bar. She finally manages to croak out a few words.*

Go on, then. Please, please take care of yourself, George. Remember to sleep, alright?

"I'll do my best Lass." he tells her, before turning and walking back to the bar.

*Sinking back to the ground, Alanna watches him until he disappears back inside the bar. She stays there for another hour, quietly staring into space. Eventually, she stands and makes her way up to Thom's room.

Thom would help.

Wouldn't he?*