the_lioness | (no subject)

(no subject)

Silence. Blessed silence, Alanna thinks, stretched out on her stomach with her face mostly buried in a pillow. A breeze shifts the curtains, and Alanna groans, squeezing her eyes shut tight against the light.

By all accounts, it has been a busy week. Most of it was spent in Corus, assisting with wedding preparations and attempting to locate food for the masses. At Raoul’s suggestion, the wedding feast would be far less extravagant than any royal wedding in recent history, but it still grates on Alanna's nerves.

However, she's not going to worry about that today. They have at least twenty-four hours before she's due back, and for now, she's going to revel in the silence.

Until she gets bored.

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Adam flops on the bed next to her, arms folding behind his head.

"Penny for your thoughts."

"They are worth far more than that," she grumbles. It's really just the principle of the matter, as she is not at all sure how much a penny is worth. "Must you shake the bed so?"

He bounces a little more, just because he can.

"I've a few pennies, if you like."

A groan becomes a muffled shout, and her arm whips sideways to curl around his waist and hold him as still as possible.

"Adam! Stop. I have a-"

She swallows.

"-headache," she finishes, turning to glower in his direction. "What would I do with pennies?"

He raises an eyebrow and pokes vaguely at her shoulder.

"Save them for a rainy day, I suppose. Would you like some water? Some drugs? Something to eat?"

"Traipsing about a marketplace is the very last thing I want to be doing on a rainy day."

Frowning, Alanna buries her face in the pillow again so he can't see her expression.

"No." She continues to sound disgruntled, and wonders at it. All week she has been like this. She knows why. It's just that she's been too busy to give it much thought. "I'm not hungry or thirsty."

And yet, her stomach rumbles.

"I'm just happy to be free of court for a while."

Adam can't help but laugh, but he rolls over and wraps his arms around her for a make-shift hug.

"Whatever you say, then. You're supposed to be relaxing."

Alanna is anything but relaxed, her whole body stiff with tension as she turns, rests her hand on his hip and gives a half-hearted smile.

"I very rarely do what I'm supposed to do," she mumbles. "As you know. I just feel so-"

Wrinkling her nose, she waves her hand in the air.

Biting back a grin he's not sure would be received well, he raises an eyebrow.

"That certainly clarifies it."

"I thought it might," she snaps, gripping his hip for a brief moment. "Is there anything else upon which you'd like me to shed light?"

Biting her lip, she turns over and stares mulishly at the opposite wall.

"Sorry."

That eyebrow? Yeah, it stays raised. He lays there, silent, hand light on her waist.

She can't see it, but oh, how she senses that eyebrow.

Eventually, "I'm angry. Angry, jealous and sad. By turns, I want to hit something or pull the pillow over my head. I can't stop thinking about it, and it's making me sick."

Sick and tired. She clutches her head for emphasis, still glaring at the wall.

That...

wasn't at all what Adam expected.

"About?"

To be perfectly honest, Alanna is rather surprised as well. It's been held in this long -- surely she could have managed another day?

"It's ridiculous, really. Not worth mentioning."

She moves restlessly, trying to decide whether or not to look at him.

"Alanna."

The tone holds curiosity, concern.

Concern.

She doesn't want to worry him. However, nor does she wish to make him angry.

"I-"

Taking a deep breath, she rolls onto her back and stares at the ceiling, doing her best to reason it out. It's likely an impossible task.

Before long, two tears escape and roll down the sides of her face, getting her ears wet. She squeezes her eyes shut, mentally calling herself ten types of fool.

He bites his bottom lip, eyeing her and rolling to curl against her side.

"You brought Lucy back to life."

Alanna shakes her head quickly, just in case he thinks that's what's bothering her.

"And I wondered about that, but I didn't want to say anything because it was stupid, and I know it was an accident. Believe me, I know. But before long, I started wondering about something else, and... I mostly hate myself for it."

"You started thinking about..."

His voice trails off, confused, and he pulls her closer.

Simply, "Thom."

Convinced he's going to yell, she holds on tight.

"Some small, traitorous part of me wanted to ask you to do the same for my brother."

"Alanna."

This time the voice is small, quiet. Because he knows what the answer would have been, and he knows that she knows as well.

She swipes at her tears.

"Even though I knew it was wrong, I wanted to ask. So badly. I had a story all worked out. There was something Roger once said to me about sorcerer's sleep. And it could have worked!"

Swallowing, she turns her head and looks at him.

"But I knew it was wrong. Things happen as they should, and the gods would have been furious. And it would have been unfair to ask that of you."

Her voice breaks as she rolls over again. This would all be so much easier to accept if she couldn't see it so clearly in her head.

"It wasn't wrong of you to feel that way, you know that."

"It was," she insists. "It's just that Lucy looked so normal. Like... Lucy. I wish you could have seen Roger when he returned, all cold and pale."

"I don't wish I could've seen him. Either of them."