the_lioness | (no subject)

*It was late, and Adam couldn't sleep. The bar yielded nothing, nor the offices, nor the lake. He'd never much come out to the stable without somebody else, and so it's a little hesitantly that he pushes open the door.*

*Alanna rests her elbows on her knees and drops her chin in her hands, not wanting to look up. With any luck, whoever it is won't think anything of her being there.

Mithros succeeds in catching a few strands and tugs. Cursing, Alanna sits up and blinks at Adam.*

Oh. Hullo.

*Adam wanders over and kneels nearby, brushing the stolen hair back.*

How long've you been out here?

It feels like forever.

*Nervous, she digs her nails into her palms and closes her eyes, unconsciously leaning toward his hand.*

I was going to come find you. I wanted to find you. So much. But then it was too loud in there.

*He puts his arm around her shoulder, gently reaching to unclench the hand.*

What happened?

*It's no use, really, pretending something didn't.*

I don't really know why the noise bothered me.

*Alanna blinks, looking at him as if she only just realized he is there. That's silly, of course. She always knows when he's near.*

I'm not really sure, nor am I clear on why I feel so... odd.

*After a long pause and careful thought, she whispers.* Rachel came back.

*Hand never leaving her shoulder, he arranges her in a more comfortable sitting position. To be able to lean against him, or at least he tries.*

I'm guessing it wasn't balloons and cake.

*He succeeds. It wouldn't take much for her to slide off the bucket and land in his lap, though they would likely get tangled up in limbs before righting themselves. Alanna shakes her head slowly, reaching out for his hand.*

I was in here, grooming Mithros, and all of a sudden I felt this blast of pain. Somehow, I picked up on hers. Her anguish. So I ran, and I knew it was Rachel before I got there, and Arithon was running toward her too. Goddess, I wanted to heal her. I wanted to make it right, but some wounds are too deep.

*Then he would lean forward and place a kiss on her forehead, and run his hand soothingly through her hair.*

Is she going to be okay?

*Alanna squeezes her eyes shut and shrugs.*

I don't know how she could be.

*At that moment, she's almost afraid to touch him, like whatever she picked up from Rachel could be transferred to him.*

*If she won't touch him, he'll touch her, wrapping her in his arms and pulling her close.*

Are you going to be okay?

*Stubbornly, she remains stiff.*

Arithon sang to her. The blood, the screams, the pain... it was all periphery at first.

And then she asked... she wanted me to end it. End it, Adam. I didn't know what to do, or what to say, but then I tried. Goddess, I thought if I could just talk her around.

But how do you talk someone around from that much pain?

And then I touched her.

*Groaning quietly, she melts into him, arms going around his neck.*

She's a telepath. The screaming in our heads...

*He pulls her tighter, layering kisses along the crown of her head as if that alone can make things better. He could, if she'd let him, but he's never done that with her, never gone there, and he's not sure he's prepared to start that now.*

*Alanna isn't even sure if it's Rachel's silent screams, her own mental screams of frustration or those of the people she heard during her Ordeal that continue to echo. Sniffing, she rubs her cheek against his shirt and sighs.*

I held her hand, and Arithon kept singing. I hope she'll be okay. But when Hank started to work on her... I've never seen anything like it, and Goddess I pray I never will again.

I didn't use much of my Gift, but I would have given most of it had she let me.

Ribbons cut in her skin. Designs, with skin, muscle and bone. Blood.

Everywhere.

*Holding her as tight as he can, and if they could be any closer, they would.*

*She doesn't say anything for a few minutes, gradually relaxing. Her hand starts to move slowly on his back.*

I don't like having people in my head. This wasn't quite the same thing, but that connection...

The day of the coronation, after Thom died, Si-cham sent my Gift to Jon. For a moment, I felt like I was three people.

It was awful.

*He kisses her forehead once more, not letting his grip on her go.*

And what was this like?

*Alanna lifts her head, trying to focus on him through the remaining tears. She kisses him softly and swallows.*

It just plain hurt. What she went through... I can't even imagine. It's like the pain was a separate entity all together.

*He doesn't wipe away the tears; for some reason, it seems as if they belong.*

Is it still there?

Yes and no. I hurt for her, and the echoes remain.

I hate feeling helpless, and I hate fighting things I can't see.

*Alanna touches his face, admitting to herself finally that it's all starting to recede. He has that effect on her, and she's not letting go.*

I love you. I'm sorry. I should have found you after. I just didn't want to upset you, or... It's not my pain. I shouldn't let it get to me like this. I'm stronger than that.

Who says you need to be stronger than that? Were you trained in it? Have you had lots of experience with it?

*Alanna shakes her head.*

Some shielding, but nothing elaborate. In Tortall, having the Gift tends to shield you from others in that regard. I had added protections.

*She grips her ember-stone.*

Here? Roger got in once. And, your father.

*Adam nods, wondering if she'll realize what that means.*

*Scowling at nothing in particular, she hugs him. It takes her a few minutes to put two and two together, but when she does, she suspects she has known all along. She also knows exactly how she feels about the matter.*

You're the only person I'd let in.

*He can't help but laugh at that, just a little, as he pulls her closer.*

You're the only one I've never felt the need to.

*She frowns, arms tightening.*

But I'd let you.

You need to with others?

*He shrugs.*

Not that I need to. But you-

I know you. I never feel like we're-

or you're-

Aye, you do.

*She smiles at that, brushing his hair back so she can kiss just under his ear.*

You wouldn't see anything you don't already know, really. But it's important for me to say, Adam. If you ever asked, the answer would be yes.

*He smiles at this, how could he not? Closing his eyes, he leans his head to rest against hers.*

I just wish you weren't hurting along with Rachel.

I'll be okay. *Her smile widens, and not for the first time, she feels as if he's anchoring her.* Now. I just felt adrift for a while there.

But.

*She turns her face into his throat, looking up at his chin.*

Thom and I talked afterwards. Really, truly talked.

*He is, as much as he can, anyway. Holding on to her physically and emotionally.*

If you need-

*The thought trails off, unfinished, but meant.*

How'd that go?

I just need you, and here you are.

*She bites her lip.*

It was honest. We've concluded that we love each other, but... *It's harder to say now.* We don't like each other much.

*He is, and he holds her tight to prove it.*

I can't say that I care for him much myself, right at this moment in time.

*But he's your brother.*

We're just so different, and yet so similar. It makes my head hurt trying to reconcile these things. He says I'm the only person he's ever loved. I told him he wasn't the only person I've ever loved. Obviously. But he knows things no one else can or ever will. He's my twin.

I love him, but I don't understand him. At least I know he doesn't really understand either.

What happens now?

Honesty, I think. He asked me if I had forgiven him. I told him I wasn't sure, and that the trust has dissipated. It hurts, but the truth gives us something to work with, I hope.

*Alanna takes a deep breath, breathing him in. Finally, she can breathe.*

*Adam nods. He's not quite sure what to think, let alone what to say.*

Whatever you want, only that's not quite right, given what he told Thom. In the end, he settles for-*

I love you.

Oh, and I love you, Adam.

*She lets loose a shaky little laugh and kisses him, content just to let herself get lost in him for a moment.*

More than anything. I think- It's better. Thank you. Ready to go in?

Whenever you are.

*He doesn't move, though, quite yet.*

I am.

*She smiles, not moving either. Mithros snorts, and Alanna affectionately pushes his nose away from the back of Adam's head.*

Well, assuming we go straight to our rooms. I'd rather not spend any time in the bar, if that's okay with you.

That's fine.

*He pauses. He's more than half tempted to leave Bernard a note, then and there, cashing in on his promise. Blodwen's gone, after all, and Alanna needs the rest. Instead, he just says-*

We can go somewhere else quiet, if you'd prefer.

*Alanna pulls back just enough to meet his eyes. It's dark, and cold - far too late to maneuver through the ruins safely. But they could manage it somehow, surely.*

Would you mind going to Olau? I'd have to come back tomorrow, but that... I'd love that.

I think I'd like that a lot.

*He moves to help her up, offering a hand.*

*Smiling, she laces her fingers through his and lightly rubs the back of her other hand over the gelding's nose.*

Good night, Mithros. We'll be back soon.

*She lifts Adam's arm and wraps it over her shoulders, anxious to get away if only for a little while.

No, not to get away. To go home.*