the_lioness | (no subject)

(no subject)

*If Alanna despises the cold so much, why does she keep coming outside to think? Trudging through the snow, she swallows and looks up at the stars.

How? After all her time here, how do extraordinary things keep catching her off guard?

Pale and quiet, she climbs up on a rock by the shore and pulls her knees in close.*

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*Alanna certainly hears Thom coming.

But he says as if she wouldn't* Hey.

*and sits down near to, but not quite beside her*

Hullo. You're out late.

*Swallowing, Alanna gives the impression of looking at him without really doing so. Her eyes are trained on a spot near his feet.*

Yes, Mother.

*Alanna stiffens for a moment, but shrugs it off.*

It wasn't meant in a deprecating manner, Thom. *She sighs.* I'm not... myself this evening.

If not you, who else?

*Mumbling, she avoids his question.*

All the screaming... It's quiet now, but Mithros.

What was it.

A telepath.

*Alanna blinks, finally looking at him with dazed eyes.*

Which?

Not one you know, I don't think. Rachel Grey. She's- *Alanna laughs harshly, resting her chin on her knees.* She gave me an X-Men suit.

I don't like having people in my head.

*wryly* Really? personally I find it a pleasant, vivifying experience.

*Alanna groans low in her throat and stares at him. She doesn't know what to say.*

Sometimes... I wish I could be more certain whether or not you're serious. *She blinks.* Has it happened to you often?

*Thom shrugs.* It depends on what you mean by 'often.'

More often than it has to you, almost certainly.

Oh.

*She leans down to scoop up a pebble, closing her fingers around the weight.*

How do you deal with it?

Well . . .

The opposite of 'well,' in fact.

*quietly* What do you do?

Squawk, usually.

*Surprised, she quirks an eyebrow.*

I see.

I- Tears of frustration. It was so loud, so painful. She's all but destroyed, and to catch even a glimpse of it... Goddess.

*She slumps a bit, blinking rapidly at the ground.*

*Thom frowns and, with an unusual sudden grace, reaches across the distance between them to catch Alanna's hand and press it.

Quietly* I see.

*Turning her hand over, Alanna grips his, noting the similarities. Noting the differences.

His fingers are so close to the scars, and she absently wonders if he notices.*

I think-

I think maybe you do.

*Inside or outside, a scar is a scar is a scar.

Thom half-smiles at her, crookedly*

If not me, who else.

*It's not really a question, and thus she doesn't feel a pressing need to answer.*

I miss you. I'm not just saying that because it's expected, or I don't know what else to say or you're about to retreat behind your walls again.

I mean it.

My head hurts, the screaming is still echoing in my ears and I'm cold. But I mean it.

I miss you, too.

It's not that I don't believe you. It's just that I'm tired of never getting any more out of you than "I love you" or "I miss you."

Especially when that's only a part of what you mean.

*Alanna swallows, slowly working her hand free of his.*

'I love you' and 'I miss you' fill the silence, and they certainly aren't lies.

*She shrugs, moving closer.*

I don't know, Thom. Maybe it's not all of what I want to say, but sometimes words do more harm than good. It could be that deep down, I'm just not sure I'd like what you have to say in return. Maybe I simply grew sick of answering questions and rarely ever getting an answer. And so we go around and around and around.

Maybe we should stop.

*Thom looks away, bites his lip; for a long while he says nothing.

At last* I asked you once, Sister, if you forgave me for what I had done.

Perhaps the time has come again.

I forgave you, Thom. I more than forgave you. I let you back in, I gave you my trust and I tried, so, so hard to believe that we could be a family after all these years. Albeit a small one, but family nonetheless.

But then-

*She stops herself. There's no need to elaborate as he knows well what that but then entails.*

It made what happened doubly worse in my mind. Have I forgiven you? I'm not sure. That trust... I don't know. Does it change anything I said before?

No.

I'm trying to understand. It baffles me, on occasion, how I can feel like I know you so well and yet not at all.

But I'm never going to give up, and maybe, just maybe, I've seen that it's stupid to try and change you. And more importantly, it's unfair.

*Thom laughs, ragged and long.*

Do I really still have secrets? in this place?

*Alanna looks away, trying not to flinch at his laughter.*

I don't know. Do you?

I feel as if I don't. It frightens me.

Would it make you feel better about our relationship if you did?

*Puzzled, she looks at him askance.*

Oh . . . probably. You don't like the way I really am.

*Alanna flinches. And yet... he's not totally wrong.*

Do you like the way I really am?

*Thom takes a deep breath and plows ahead, stubborn mouth defensive*

Love, yes . . . like, not entirely.

*A dull ache forms in the pit of her stomach as he finishes. It hurts. A lot. But she didn't really expect any other answer.*

That's the problem, isn't it? I can't help who I am any more than you can.

*She looks up, eyes bright and clear, if a little bit sad.*

Why do you love me?

*Thom blinks at her as if he doesn't understand the question.*

You're my sister.

You're . . .

What more is there to say? You're the only person I've ever loved.

*Alanna looks just as confused.

Because we look the same? Because we share the same blood? Because we had no one else?*

You're not the only person I've ever loved. *She clears her throat.* But you're my only brother. My twin. And you know things about me that no one else does, because you were there. You've always been there, even when we were apart. I just don't think you knew that.

I almost failed that day because I couldn't pull myself away from you. Faithful had to snap me out of it. For a moment, I just didn't care because you were... gone.

When I let go of that sword, I thought of you.

*She sighs, hugging her knees close.*

It's something.

I didn't know that.

But I did hope. I think of you . . . constantly.

I think of you, too.

*Just like that, she's off the rock and wrapping her arms around him.*

All the time.

*Thom smiles weakly and buries his face in her shoulder; his arms go tightly around her and squeeze.

Rather hoarsely, he asks, teasing* All the time?

*She snorts.* Within reason.

*Fingers twisting in his shirt, she sniffs and holds him close, mumbling against his shoulder.*

Much more than you thought, undoubtedly.

Oh, Sister. What are you implying?

*His voice sounds amused, but is definitely crying into her shoulder at this point.

You can hear it in his breathing.*

Those implications... so silly.

*She smiles a bit and turns to kiss his cheek, resting her head on his. There are tears in her eyes, but her head is too full to let them fall just yet. They will, eventually.

Lucky Adam.*

Will you be upset with me if I tell you that I love you again?

No.

I never really get tired of hearing it.

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