Alanna of Trebond (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
the_lioness) wrote2005-12-16 09:45 am
the_lioness) wrote2005-12-16 09:45 am
Entry tags:
OOC: Character info
(Ooof - What Ji said.)
1) Alanna doesn't know why she loves Thom, but it's as natural to her as breathing, and she will never, ever stop. But if someone asked her why she loves him, she'd be hard pressed to come up with an answer beyond "he's my brother."
2) So much of what has happened in Milliways is a result of Alanna not being able to let go of the Thom she knew as a child. The Thom who loved her, had never hurt her and who hadn't yet turned completely amoral. Whether or not Thom was ever really like this is open for debate, but it's how she remembers him. She thinks that Thom is still in there somewhere, and if she can somehow chip away at the cold bastard he's become, she'll someday find him.
3) Getting in Thom's pants is something that would not occur to her. Not really. I mean - she's aware of the speculation and thinks it's ridiculous. However, she is not aware of how much she hugs, kisses and touches him, because it's an unconscious reaction. It's her way of trying to hold on to him while he's there. Of reassuring herself that although he's dead, he's with her. And of letting him know that she's not going anywhere. Also, if she has physical contact and keeps him by her side as long as possible, that's time away from Roger, from evil and maybe from the mental space that makes Thom hurt her so. It's an attempt at distraction, much like you would smack a hysterical person and try to get them to focus on you.
4) Alanna will never give up on Thom. Part of what tore her up so badly about the Roger incident is that Thom has always been her justification for staying in Milliways. Sure, Roger is an issue, and Milliways truly does make it easier to be there for Jon as she can have adventure and still be less than half an hour away from her King. But her real reason for staying, for taking a job in Milliways was always Thom. She swore an oath not to leave him again, but his actions made a mockery of that oath. For days afterwards, she thought that perhaps this was a sign that she should leave. She could never completely leave because of Adam, but she was considering quitting as Security and throwing herself into life at the palace.
However, that's not who Alanna is, and once the self pity passed, she laughed at the very idea. The trust is gone, the hope is gone, but she refuses to give up on Thom. Either he will succeed in killing her or they will reach a place where they can co-exist without trouble, but she will never break her vow not to leave him.
Completely. I say completely because-
5) If Adam asked her to walk away from Thom, she would to some extent. Never completely, but she'd take a giant leap back. Why? Because she's lost hope that she'll reach him - that he wants her there. And for the first time in well, forever, she can see a future. She doesn't feel like she's drifting anymore, and she has hope and believes in her relationship and future with Adam.
6) Another reason she couldn't easily walk away from the bar is what happened last Halloween. She feels horribly responsible still, and feels she owes Bernard far more than she can ever repay. She'd do just about anything for their head Barman and his family, just as she would for Jon.
7) Trying to reconcile their personalities has changed her a lot. Her views on right and wrong are not nearly as firm as they used to be, and not just because of Thom. An example would be Indy's damning of Tortall's idea of justice during Delia's escapade. She's experienced new things, larger ideas... she believes in chivalry and her oath, but she no longer considers it the only right way. If that makes any sense.
This is, in my mind, a large reason why she and George have grown apart. Despite his colorful past, George is the best person she knows. As she settled into the bar and started to listen to why Thom, Delia and Alex did what they did, she changed. After the coup, the people responsible became almost inhuman in the minds of the people - pure evil, as hard to grasp as the Ysandir or the sweating sickness. Being in Milliways forced Alanna to see that this is not the case. Well, except for Roger. Nothing will ever humanize him in her mind.
On some level, she's afraid that she's more like Thom than people think - must be, because they are twins and it just doesn't make sense that they should be so different.
End result? Somewhere along the way, she decided that she will never, ever be good enough for George. She feels increasingly jaded in his presence and has ever since she fell into bed with Liam. His continued belief that she can do no wrong exacerbates that wound to an unbelievable level, which is perhaps part of why she refused to tell him about the black box. She wants George in her life. He's her best friend. But she can't help feeling like she'd spend her life trying to live up to this image he has of her and fail miserably. Alanna hates to fail. Alanna hates to disappoint others. It's just easier all around if she doesn't put either of them in that position.
But before Adam, she did still love George. Very much so, in that "I know you are safe and will never hurt me" sort of way. He was always there, waiting for her, and deep down, she never expected not to end up with him. Even when she told him about Peter, she thought she and George would be together. It made her head hurt rather a lot, and as Angel guessed, a lot of her insistence that she could make it work with Peter came from other people telling her she couldn't.
Now she is truly in love without the "what ifs" and "am I worthy enough." Adam is a solid combination of what she had with Jon and what she had with George. She knows she won't end up with George, and their relationship -his feelings, in particular- makes her twitchy and guilty.
Oddly, if someone does bring in Aly (and it's being discussed) from an AU, she'll feel better about the George situation. Why? Because it would show that Milliways was the turning point. She'll know that somewhere, she did right by George, and that they are happy. But Milliways made that impossible.
8) George's complete lack of overt jealousy over Jon and Liam bothered Alanna a great deal. In a way, she was testing him with Liam. Although she could tell that he loved her, she just doesn't understand why George didn't go all jealous lover on her when she returned to Corus.
Had he reacted differently, had he pressed his advantage then, they would be together. She would scoff at the idea and claim that she would never respond well to such tactics, but deep down, it is what she wanted.
9) Alanna's relationship with Liam was a classic example of fangirling. She now admits that it was lust and hero worship and not much else. That being said, she is finding more and more that she adores having Liam for a friend. She trusts him completely.
10) Alanna has never wanted to impress anyone quite as much as she wants to impress Aziraphael. Certainly she has always wanted to make certain people proud, but there were always selfish reasons there as well. With Aziraphael, she has no thought other than Adam. Adam loves Aziraphael, and thus she wants to do right by Adam.
11) When things were good, Jon made her feel wanted and strong. George made her feel cherished. Liam made her feel fun and alive. Peter made her feel needed. Jack made her feel spontaneous and sexy. Adam? Adam makes her feel all these things and a great deal more. She feels like she's been searching for something for so long, and he just fits in a way that both shocks her and fills her with sheer happiness.
12) She's scared of what will happen to her if she fucks up or Adam decides he doesn't want her. That fear is starting to ease a bit, however. And she is as determined to make this work as she was to become a knight. That's saying something.
13) Despite what Lucifer might think, Alanna does understand that Thom's relationship with Lucifer is completely different from his relationship with Roger. She knows there are feelings there with Roger, just as she recognizes Delia's predicament. This is all part of her taking a step back from previous beliefs and notions and going, "ahhhhh, I get it now." It's just that Lucifer/Thom doesn't bother her at all anymore. It doesn't scare her, perhaps because there aren't really any feelings there.
14) If Alanna knew that Thom felt she was slowly phasing him out, she would go ballistic. Because she's not. If anything, she's trying to phase him back in after he took a rather spectacular leap out of their relationship. She just needed a bit of space, but she's never not wondering about him, or worrying. She actually understands why he kissed Adam and it confuses the ever loving crap out of her. And she is ready to talk to him about all of this, but just doesn't know how. That's part of why she blurted out the bit about the shirts. She's trying to reach out again.
15) Whether or not Adam would agree, she places a great deal of importance on her world's ignorance of Christianity. She loves him for who he is, not because of or in spite of what he is.
16) She wishes Faithful and Dog could have met.
1) Alanna doesn't know why she loves Thom, but it's as natural to her as breathing, and she will never, ever stop. But if someone asked her why she loves him, she'd be hard pressed to come up with an answer beyond "he's my brother."
2) So much of what has happened in Milliways is a result of Alanna not being able to let go of the Thom she knew as a child. The Thom who loved her, had never hurt her and who hadn't yet turned completely amoral. Whether or not Thom was ever really like this is open for debate, but it's how she remembers him. She thinks that Thom is still in there somewhere, and if she can somehow chip away at the cold bastard he's become, she'll someday find him.
3) Getting in Thom's pants is something that would not occur to her. Not really. I mean - she's aware of the speculation and thinks it's ridiculous. However, she is not aware of how much she hugs, kisses and touches him, because it's an unconscious reaction. It's her way of trying to hold on to him while he's there. Of reassuring herself that although he's dead, he's with her. And of letting him know that she's not going anywhere. Also, if she has physical contact and keeps him by her side as long as possible, that's time away from Roger, from evil and maybe from the mental space that makes Thom hurt her so. It's an attempt at distraction, much like you would smack a hysterical person and try to get them to focus on you.
4) Alanna will never give up on Thom. Part of what tore her up so badly about the Roger incident is that Thom has always been her justification for staying in Milliways. Sure, Roger is an issue, and Milliways truly does make it easier to be there for Jon as she can have adventure and still be less than half an hour away from her King. But her real reason for staying, for taking a job in Milliways was always Thom. She swore an oath not to leave him again, but his actions made a mockery of that oath. For days afterwards, she thought that perhaps this was a sign that she should leave. She could never completely leave because of Adam, but she was considering quitting as Security and throwing herself into life at the palace.
However, that's not who Alanna is, and once the self pity passed, she laughed at the very idea. The trust is gone, the hope is gone, but she refuses to give up on Thom. Either he will succeed in killing her or they will reach a place where they can co-exist without trouble, but she will never break her vow not to leave him.
Completely. I say completely because-
5) If Adam asked her to walk away from Thom, she would to some extent. Never completely, but she'd take a giant leap back. Why? Because she's lost hope that she'll reach him - that he wants her there. And for the first time in well, forever, she can see a future. She doesn't feel like she's drifting anymore, and she has hope and believes in her relationship and future with Adam.
6) Another reason she couldn't easily walk away from the bar is what happened last Halloween. She feels horribly responsible still, and feels she owes Bernard far more than she can ever repay. She'd do just about anything for their head Barman and his family, just as she would for Jon.
7) Trying to reconcile their personalities has changed her a lot. Her views on right and wrong are not nearly as firm as they used to be, and not just because of Thom. An example would be Indy's damning of Tortall's idea of justice during Delia's escapade. She's experienced new things, larger ideas... she believes in chivalry and her oath, but she no longer considers it the only right way. If that makes any sense.
This is, in my mind, a large reason why she and George have grown apart. Despite his colorful past, George is the best person she knows. As she settled into the bar and started to listen to why Thom, Delia and Alex did what they did, she changed. After the coup, the people responsible became almost inhuman in the minds of the people - pure evil, as hard to grasp as the Ysandir or the sweating sickness. Being in Milliways forced Alanna to see that this is not the case. Well, except for Roger. Nothing will ever humanize him in her mind.
On some level, she's afraid that she's more like Thom than people think - must be, because they are twins and it just doesn't make sense that they should be so different.
End result? Somewhere along the way, she decided that she will never, ever be good enough for George. She feels increasingly jaded in his presence and has ever since she fell into bed with Liam. His continued belief that she can do no wrong exacerbates that wound to an unbelievable level, which is perhaps part of why she refused to tell him about the black box. She wants George in her life. He's her best friend. But she can't help feeling like she'd spend her life trying to live up to this image he has of her and fail miserably. Alanna hates to fail. Alanna hates to disappoint others. It's just easier all around if she doesn't put either of them in that position.
But before Adam, she did still love George. Very much so, in that "I know you are safe and will never hurt me" sort of way. He was always there, waiting for her, and deep down, she never expected not to end up with him. Even when she told him about Peter, she thought she and George would be together. It made her head hurt rather a lot, and as Angel guessed, a lot of her insistence that she could make it work with Peter came from other people telling her she couldn't.
Now she is truly in love without the "what ifs" and "am I worthy enough." Adam is a solid combination of what she had with Jon and what she had with George. She knows she won't end up with George, and their relationship -his feelings, in particular- makes her twitchy and guilty.
Oddly, if someone does bring in Aly (and it's being discussed) from an AU, she'll feel better about the George situation. Why? Because it would show that Milliways was the turning point. She'll know that somewhere, she did right by George, and that they are happy. But Milliways made that impossible.
8) George's complete lack of overt jealousy over Jon and Liam bothered Alanna a great deal. In a way, she was testing him with Liam. Although she could tell that he loved her, she just doesn't understand why George didn't go all jealous lover on her when she returned to Corus.
Had he reacted differently, had he pressed his advantage then, they would be together. She would scoff at the idea and claim that she would never respond well to such tactics, but deep down, it is what she wanted.
9) Alanna's relationship with Liam was a classic example of fangirling. She now admits that it was lust and hero worship and not much else. That being said, she is finding more and more that she adores having Liam for a friend. She trusts him completely.
10) Alanna has never wanted to impress anyone quite as much as she wants to impress Aziraphael. Certainly she has always wanted to make certain people proud, but there were always selfish reasons there as well. With Aziraphael, she has no thought other than Adam. Adam loves Aziraphael, and thus she wants to do right by Adam.
11) When things were good, Jon made her feel wanted and strong. George made her feel cherished. Liam made her feel fun and alive. Peter made her feel needed. Jack made her feel spontaneous and sexy. Adam? Adam makes her feel all these things and a great deal more. She feels like she's been searching for something for so long, and he just fits in a way that both shocks her and fills her with sheer happiness.
12) She's scared of what will happen to her if she fucks up or Adam decides he doesn't want her. That fear is starting to ease a bit, however. And she is as determined to make this work as she was to become a knight. That's saying something.
13) Despite what Lucifer might think, Alanna does understand that Thom's relationship with Lucifer is completely different from his relationship with Roger. She knows there are feelings there with Roger, just as she recognizes Delia's predicament. This is all part of her taking a step back from previous beliefs and notions and going, "ahhhhh, I get it now." It's just that Lucifer/Thom doesn't bother her at all anymore. It doesn't scare her, perhaps because there aren't really any feelings there.
14) If Alanna knew that Thom felt she was slowly phasing him out, she would go ballistic. Because she's not. If anything, she's trying to phase him back in after he took a rather spectacular leap out of their relationship. She just needed a bit of space, but she's never not wondering about him, or worrying. She actually understands why he kissed Adam and it confuses the ever loving crap out of her. And she is ready to talk to him about all of this, but just doesn't know how. That's part of why she blurted out the bit about the shirts. She's trying to reach out again.
15) Whether or not Adam would agree, she places a great deal of importance on her world's ignorance of Christianity. She loves him for who he is, not because of or in spite of what he is.
16) She wishes Faithful and Dog could have met.
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Sawyer and Anthy's nicknames exist purely to torment them.
Thus, I have a hard time answering. Whereas tormenting Sawyer is infinitely attractive, I wouldn't wish to aggravate you in such a fashion.
So. Compromise.
*clears throat* Charlotte. Charlotte Mooncloud. And I'd call her Charlie.
I don't know why I assume it's a girl.
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And you can call her Mooncloud if you'd like.
We won't be though. XDno subject
"Two questions, really, Alanna. First of all...if you didn't know I was having Mordred, any suggestions for names?"
"And, secondly...if...if you had to part from Adam, and if George had never come here and known about it, could you marry him? George, I mean?"
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I wouldn't give you a silly name. Well, I would if you wanted one. Shadowhawk comes to mind.
*frowns* I don't like to even imagine such a thing, but from a purely hypothetical standpoint, I suppose so. I could marry him. Would it be the right thing to do? Probably not.
He wouldn't have been here, but I would have, and I'm different now. I suppose it would all depend on how our time together went.
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You can go ahead and admit it, sweetheart. I won't tell nobody.
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I want you...
...so that I may bang your head into a wall until your ego gets a significant dent. Then I would heal you and deliver you back to Claire with a bright and shiny red bow.
Hmph. Sunbeam, just accept that I do not want to sleep with you.
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Liar. Yes, they are.
I'm just sayin' there was a more civil way to let a guy down.
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Wait.
Are you pushing for pity? Possibly?
*sighs, hugs him* I like you, Sawyer. I just love Adam, and you love Claire. See? Everyone's happy.
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I think, maybe, if I'd been able to talk to you after I saw you with Morgan - that would have made the most difference. But then I wouldn't have gone off with Jack, and I think that was when you really noticed me.
I don't know, Adam. But I do know this. That time was hellish if for no other reason than I felt like I was losing one of my best friends.
So there you have it.
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I just never thought you'd go and run off with Jack.
And what about last year? The first time we talked?
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However.
I don't think it could have been as strong as what we have now because we both had a lot of growing up to do.
What do you think?
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it's possible that we would have gotten together. But at the time, my head wasn't exactly screwed on straight. And I had a lot of learning to do. Still do, to be honest, but that was a different kind. And I think if we had gotten together, I dunno. I dunno if it'd have helped me with all the things I did, or if I'd've just gone off and done them anyway and ruined everything.
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I'm not making much sense, am I?
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Sure y'are.
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