the_lioness | (no subject)

(no subject)

*Late in the evening, Alanna decides to stop pacing through her quarters and go do something. Ride, fight... anything is better than this. Sighing, she throws on her cloak and stomps down the staff corridor and into the main bar. She looks around, hoping against hope that maybe Peter is there, and they can talk.

He's not.

Alanna mumbles a quick prayer to the Goddess and pulls open the front door. Simultaneously, she trips over a wait rat and nearly tumbles through into a dark room.*

Dammit, when will he clear these crates away? *The door shuts behind her, and she pushes at an obstacle blocking her path. It shifts, and the sudden light makes her blink rapidly. She steps forward and finds herself in a strange, messy room.*

Goddess... not again.

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Peter has spent a long time last night working on a project. It's long, necessary, and completely enjoyable. He's stayed up too long most the nights this week on it; he finished at ten last night, and it's so early that it's a relief.

He heads to bed early, then, with a quick thought of going into the bar; but when he opens his closet door, there is only clothes. He gives it a regretful look, but heads for his bed, and crashes.

Crashes hard, hard enough that when his closet door opens by itself the next morning, he barely notices. He just mumbles something about five more minutes before school, and shifts.

*Blinking, Alanna moves further into the room and starts as she hears him mumble. Her eyes widen as she slowly turns around and stares at the bed. It takes a few minutes to process, and she remains frozen in place.

Peter. This... is unexpected, to say the least.*

You aren't talking much. You must be tired.

*She whispers, moving around the side of the bed. Momentarily torn between lying down beside him and fleeing, she opts for sitting on the floor instead. It's easier to look at him that way. For several minutes, she does nothing else, slowly lifting her hand to brush his entirely too long hair off his face.*

Peter?

Peter shifts now, his face automatically turning into her hand before he openes his eyes slowly. He blinks at her for a moment, and then another; he's too sleepy for the knowledge of what he's seeing to settle in at first. But then, a puzzled smile. "...Alanna?"

Hi. *Alanna smiles slowly, her breath suddenly shallow. It is both good and really, really hard to see him again.* I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing here, but I've ceased to question such things.

*She pulls her hand back and chews nervously on her thumb.*

You're working too hard.

Peter shakes his head, sitting up and grinning slightly. "Working just the right amount." He makes a quick thank you to whatever bar magic decided to bring her here. "It's good to see you."

The right amount for you would kill most people in under a week. *a pause* It is good to see you too. *She smiles a bit ruefully and pushes his hair back again before she realizes what she is doing.* It has been... a long time.

*Swallowing, she sits down beside him and eyes the room.*

So this is Haiti? It's hot. I like it.

Peter laughs a bit at that. "Just like Thom." He's... not surprised at all, really. "It's been too long." Peter looks at her for a moment, before shoving his hands in his pockets. He fell asleep in his clothes again... nothing new.

*Alanna laughs quietly, her smile fading as he sticks his hands in his pockets. Staring at his arm, she feels something cold and sharp twist in her gut and makes an odd noise.*

Once, I wouldn't have thought you meant that as a compliment. *She looks up, her gaze questioning.* Peter... why did you do that? With your hands?

"Huh?" Peter glances down, and takes them out again. He'd barely even noticed doing it. "What do you mean?"

*She slowly lowers her eyes to his hands again and blows out a breath.*

Not too terribly long ago, you would have hugged me. Or kissed me. Peter... *Blinking rapidly, she kicks her feet against the bed. Hard.* I just think maybe... there are some things we need to talk about.

"I.... what?" Peter is taken off guard by this, and it's obvious. "I can... " He trails off, interrupting himself. Takes a breath. "What are you talking about?"

Us. *Feeling nauseous again, she wrinkles her nose.* I'm talking about us.

Are you happy here, Peter? Is this what you want to do, no questions asked? Are you going to pursue your dream?

*She knows the answer, and she doesn't want to change it. She just wants to remind him what he is facing - the commitment.*

Us? That... didn't sound good. "Why are you asking this?" Peter asks, running a hand through his hair. He doesn't want to go through a series of questions. He wants to get directly to the point.

*Alanna bites her lip, unsure what to say. All of her feelings and thoughts on the subject of their future settle into a great big lump of confusion as she looks at him.*

I'm saying... that I'm just as devoted to my dreams and duties as you are to yours. We never see each other, Peter. Ever. And even when we do... your mind tends to be elsewhere, and I've got business to attend to...

*Miserable, she sniffs.*

We keep saying we'll find a way to make it work, but I've thought it over a million times, and I just don't see how it can. I've missed you so much, and it's only going to get worse as we get older and our duties increase. I'm tired of being lonely and sad all the time, and wondering if you feel even half as horrible as I do.

*She looks up at him.* You've a destiny to fulfill, Peter. We both do.

Peter opens his mouth to protest. He wants to say that they don't need to sacrifice their happiness for the destinies, that they can make it work... he wants to protest, he wants to make it all better.

But in the end, all he can simply say is... "I know."

*Sucking in a breath, she stares at him with wide eyes and sniffs again. It takes all of her self control not to cry, but she manages to hold herself together.

Crying is for later, when she's alone.

Part of her had desperately wanted him to wrap his arms around her and assure her it would work, that she has been worrying about nothing and her fears are all ridiculous. But Alanna is too realistic to let herself live in fluffy fantasies for very long.*

Oh. Well. *Blinking back hot tears, she nods.* I love you, Peter. That's not going to change. *She pauses.* But I don't think that love could ever be enough to get past all the hurdles in our way. And maybe... *She fidgets, wanting to ask him how he really feels, but not quite sure she wants an honest answer. He is so young, and so much has changed.* Maybe we met for a reason, and the Goddess felt we had something to teach each other.

Teach him something. Yeah, Peter probably isn't taking the lesson he's supposed to from this, but then again, he never really has. He'll beat himself up over this, but never let on a thing. That's the right thing.

"I'm sorry."

Why are you sorry? *Alanna gives him a small, sad smile.* It's not your fault your path lies elsewhere than mine. We've always known that was the case, Peter. Deep down, we always knew. It's just that neither of us wanted to admit it.

But he promised to make it otherwise. And if Peter doesn't achieve what he promises... well. "Well, it's working out now, I guess." His eyes are blank. "What are you going to do now?"

Go back to being me, I suppose. Do my duty to the bar and Tortall. *She clasps her hands together in her lap and stares absently at the door. A wave of angry self-pity washes over her, and she wishes she had something to punch.*

This isn't about anyone else, if that's what you're asking. At all.

"Being you?" Did he... distract from that much? Peter doesn't quite understand that statement, but he's not really going to ask for much of a clarification.

*Alanna turns toward him and waves her hand in the air in a helpless gesture.*

Don't... I just mean that I'll get on with my life, and you'll get on with yours. It's what we were doing anyway, Peter. *She rests her hand on his shoulder, her voice breaking.* I don't know what I'll do. This has never happened to me before. I imagine I'll be a mess for awhile, sure. Who wouldn't? I'll have to remind myself to stop looking up eagerly every time the front door opens. I'll have to resign myself to going to sleep without the hope that you'll somehow sneak in during the night and surprise me.

*At that, a few tears escape.*

And I won't stop missing you. I'll just... get on with my life.

"We'll still be friends," Peter says, not really knowing whether he can hold out hope for that at all. "We were always that. That won't change."

No, it won't.

*Alanna lets her hand fall from his shoulder. Although she's happy he isn't yelling at her, his quiet, almost calm reaction is unsettling. It raises all sorts of new questions, most of which leave her feeling about two feet tall.

She lifts her chin and watches him.*

I'll never regret... any of it. Except this. I suspect I'll regret this forever, but I know it's what has to happen.

He's only calm because if he's not, he will explode with all sorts of bad emotions, all towards himself, and he -can't- do that. He needs to make this as easy for her as possible.

"I know."

Right. *She smiles ruefully.* Of course, you do. You are a genius, after all.

*It's not mocking. Even through the strain and the sadness, Alanna sounds proud of him. She hesitates, unsure and hating it, before turning her torso and hugging him tightly.*

I'm sorry, Peter. I shouldn't... I messed everything up, didn't I? I'm sorry.

Peter closes his eyes at the hug, and after a moment, returns it. It's harder to stay emotionally sturdy at that. It's... "No. You just did what you needed to do. I'll never deny you that."

*She hugs him closely for a minute, struggling not to cry. It's getting harder and harder not to completely break down, but Peter doesn't need to see that.

When she has herself composed, she pulls back and tucks his hair behind his ear, her eyes running over his face as if she's trying to memorize every last little detail.*

You are going to do great things, Peter Wiggin. I know this for a fact. I suspect you will soon realize that I'm not just doing this for me. It's for you too.

*She bites her lip.* Do you want me to leave?

Peter takes a breath for a moment at that, keeping his eyes averted to the ground. Finally, he forces himself to say something. It's not quite what he expected to say, not what he -should- say, but...

"Why are we acting like we're okay?"

*Alanna makes a strangled sound and shakes her head, eyes filling up with tears again.*

I have no idea. Because we are both too stubborn for our own good?

"I -will- miss you," Peter says, biting his lip. "But I just want to do what's best for you."

*She glances down at her hands, not trusting herself to speak for a few seconds.*

And I want to do what's best for you. *She makes an odd noise and looks up.* That was never the problem with us, was it? But this... it's best for both of us.

Peter nods. He can't... verbally agree right now. Not when they're being honest. Maybe he'll agree someday... but right now, he can't. Because all he does is miss her already, even though she's right here beside him.

*She misses him already too, but in truth she has been for a long, long time. It's not an unfamiliar sentiment.*

Do you think you will come back and visit?

*Swallowing, Alanna tenses.*

"Why not?" Peter shrugs. "You're still my friend. And Val is there. And Thom." He's not going to abandon it all just because one thing changes. Maybe once, but... he's learned not to be that idiot anymore.

*She lifts her head and smiles. It may be just one thing, but it's rather significant. Relieved, she hugs him once more.*

I'm glad. I don't want to imagine how horrible it would be to never see you again.

*Eyes bright, Alanna looks at him for a moment, indecision evident in her expression. Eventually she nods and leans forward, lightly pressing her lips to his in a brief kiss.*

I'm sorry, Peter. I wish... I don't know what I wish.

*She stands, eyeing the door.*

I suppose I should go.

"If... you feel the need to." Peter is distant at the moment. He doesn't want to be, but he can't manage anything else. Later on... he can give her more. But at the moment, he can't.

*Alanna swallows. She does feel the need to, if only so she can go cry alone somewhere.*

Do you have any idea how proud I am of you? Of everything you've done, and how far you've come? *She smiles.* I just want you to know and remember that should we start to lose track of each other.

And don't lose that camera.

*There's so much more she wants to say and to ask, but somehow she can't find the words.*

Will you... will you open the door?

Peter walks to the door, and opens it.

He really can't say anything else at the moment. Once again... later. And unfortunately later is not now. He wishes he could offer her more... but she'll understand. She always did.

*Alanna stares straight ahead for a minute, feeling as if she is poised on a threshold beyond that of the door in front of her.

For just a moment, she wonders if this is right or horribly wrong and turns to look at him. So much had changed, but a large lump forms in her throat as she tries to say goodbye.*

At least it still opens for you. Please don't forget about me. Ever.

*It's silly, it's inadequate, but it's all she can manage. Sniffing, she hugs him again and races through the door.*

Peter doesn't close the door. He stares at it for a long time, and nearly steps over behind her; he reachs out, then shakes his head, and turns.

It'll stay open until it closes itself, or until he decides to. He doesn't pay attention anymore.

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